Well, I got an email from a "friend" who didn't really understand everything that has been going on here - I had to set him straight, and it sucked. In the process I realized a few things about myself - how much healing I have yet to do.

Trying to encourage myself to refuse the victim roll any longer, I've been looking into KRAV MAGA which is an awesome discipline used in Israel - i.e. Street Fighting. I found about a million web links with the history and info about who really has the know how to instruct. My first thought when I found the info was that I'm too weak to be able to complete it. The second was that I'm an ass for thinking I'm too weak. I have enough anger in me to kill a thousand men, and damn if I'm going to refuse myself the chance to defend myself the next time a jack ass rapper wants a piece of me. I'm tired of being misunderstood, tired of needing to be loved and not strong enough to except it because I see the strings attached (even if they were never part of the deal) and tired of knowing that deep inside is this animal like instinct to protect myself at all costs, yet having no idea how to utilize it. I'm tired of being a victim...of being used, and looked at for being an easy target simply because I've been ravaged before. It has to stop, and I am the only one who has the control and power to make that happen; whether or not I believe it's true.