The Lord has been showing me a lot about communication. I didn't realize how hard it is to really communicate well with someone who hasn't lived with you from birth. Cat and I have been keeping tabs on our differences so we can be more sensitive to the others needs when we talk to each other. It's been really refreshing to be able to work out issues, without the fear of being chastised. Talking things out has also helped me learn a lot about myself, how I operate and am perceived by others. There has been a really strong desire to run away in one respect, not because I don’t want to deal with the issue, but because I'm fighting the change. Taking responsibility for what I say is a real challenge but one beneficial to learn now, rather then later.

I'm also learning how to open up and be honest about myself with others. Some people are really hard to read, and others I seem to take the wrong way. So God is showing me how to step back and not be so judgmental up front; but to wait it out and look at people as the are, and not as they seem.

Last night Cat and I watched some kids for the church bible study. One of the Pastor's daughters was with us, and she acted out against her brother because he was teasing her. When she started screaming at him and wouldn't use her words, I snapped into action to contain the situation. Getting on eye level with her, I asked her to look me in the eye and tell me why she was screaming at him; she refused to look at me. I explained that if she was going to treat her brother with disrespect she would have two choices, either apologize or sit on time out for two minutes. She refused to apologize and when giving me the "puppy eyes" wouldn't work, she began to scream and cry to the top of her lungs.

While at work today, God gave me an opportunity to speak truth into one of my co-workers and I chose not to. She said she had a dream, and kept hinting that she wanted to share it. There was no doubt that God had a message for her; I'm not beating myself up, but next time (God willing) there will be no walking away acting like work is more important.

The heppa filter is on, and my head is pounding from the smell. There is a lot of dust in the apartment, so I thought I'd turn this air purifier on to help - I'm thinking that wasn't such a good idea. Laundry however is working out really nicely. I pretty much have the ritual down, just so long as no one else uses the room; since it’s Wednesday and almost supper time no one is really around anyway.

I'm starting to wonder what God has for me next, because this whole living on my own, doing His thing is really kind of nice. For the first time today, I didn't think about being stressed or needing to live up to anyone expectations of me for the day. Thinking about mom has become an hourly battle, but God is showing mercy in bundle full’s. He's made me really happy. :)

Last night Cat introduced me to a friend of hers, Justin. He seems like an awesome man of God, and it was truly refreshing to be able to speak with him. He prayed for us, and we prayed for him and the three of us together were quite a power house in retreating the enemy and his pathetic plans to up root seeds the Holy Spirit has begun to plant in me.

For the first time in many months I have a sense of hope. It's strange and not very stable, but it's there none the less. That makes me increasingly peaceful. There is a conference that will be held in TN on 7/7/07. I'm praying that God helps me to grow before then, and that when I go with Cat, that we'll be a blessing to so many there. We are hoping for a revival that isn't service level Christianity, but is truly a deep inner working of the Holy Spirit that sticks with all of us after we part from the gathering. I know the enemy has had his beady little eyes on this country, and God has increasingly prevented it's destruction for the sake of His people who remain faithful in the mists of evil. I praise God that He is so faithful and slow to anger, and that He is willing to grant us opportunities where we can come against the enemy in battle, and win the victory! No weapon formed against us shell prosper, and we will see a new age, for better or worse in this nation; either way, I pray it will hasten Yashuah's coming.

Father thank you for what you are doing, I have no words enough that describe how wonderfully on the edge I am right now. You are truly stretching me, and I ask that you don't stop until I am renewed and made fresh to my own eyes. In Yashuah's name, Amain.

Well, I got an email from a "friend" who didn't really understand everything that has been going on here - I had to set him straight, and it sucked. In the process I realized a few things about myself - how much healing I have yet to do.

Trying to encourage myself to refuse the victim roll any longer, I've been looking into KRAV MAGA which is an awesome discipline used in Israel - i.e. Street Fighting. I found about a million web links with the history and info about who really has the know how to instruct. My first thought when I found the info was that I'm too weak to be able to complete it. The second was that I'm an ass for thinking I'm too weak. I have enough anger in me to kill a thousand men, and damn if I'm going to refuse myself the chance to defend myself the next time a jack ass rapper wants a piece of me. I'm tired of being misunderstood, tired of needing to be loved and not strong enough to except it because I see the strings attached (even if they were never part of the deal) and tired of knowing that deep inside is this animal like instinct to protect myself at all costs, yet having no idea how to utilize it. I'm tired of being a victim...of being used, and looked at for being an easy target simply because I've been ravaged before. It has to stop, and I am the only one who has the control and power to make that happen; whether or not I believe it's true.

It is now the new year, and I have all but given up on this so called quest for "health." There hasn't been much of a change in diet, nor have I been able to solve my incredible cramping problem. There was a supplement at the Health Food market in town that I bought and tried for three days - needless to say it made me extremely sick, and I ended up taking it back for a refund. It was supposed to cleanse my liver and kidneys so the liver will metabolize (absorb) more estragon which is what I have way too much of. The women I spoke with at the market told me that she recommended some kind of herbal pill that is made especially for women with my symptoms - and she swares by it.

Since I have been trying things to keep healthy all my life, I’ve come to a point where I desire to be fat and lazy about my health like everyone else seems to be. I have lost so much weight over the past two months, and part of me thinks I'm too skinny and part of me isn't satisfied with a 30' waist. I dreamt last night that I joined a gym and ran the track for 6 miles...I think my body is trying to tell me something; waking up felt exhausting.

...more to come

Happy Birthday Looser.

Day Two:
I woke up and knew first thing something wasn't going to happen right today. All the sunshine beams coming through my window usually tip me off that God is watching and caring, and I didn't care. Everything hurts today. Everything seems really dark and painful. I got my period and am coming down off the Pill so naturally one wouldn't be feeling as well as they may have thought. I had to call into work and my boss sounded like she was surprised I was sick. I'm still not sure what to think of that woman, she is sweetly funny...

My mom is having a cow inside because it's my 22nd, and she hasn't come up with one blessed thing to do for my birthday. She feels guilty, and sorry...and as much as I've been saying to her for the past three days "that’s really ok, I don't mind," what I'm really thinking is -"holy shit what the hell is the matter with everyone?! I don't mean to be so dramatic, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless in this family! Yea I'm spoiled and precious and a "miracle" but holy wow why not show it on the one day that really matters!"
It just seems like everyone around me doesn't care, and I'm not sure why I feel that way. Granma J gave me the most beautiful card, and $50 smacks! I think I've grown a mature bone because I haven't blown it yet.

Why is it that every February, mom can make special trips, and special allowances in the "invisible budget" to make sure my uncle and brother and little cousins get their birthday wish?
Yea know what’s so stupid, I don't really care about getting gifts or money or even dinner...I just wanted a card, a letter...some words of encouragement to let me know that I'm supposed to be here...that I'm appreciated. The one time of year that they could really say something about me that would touch me and they make excuses and feel guilty instead. I feel like the last year of crying, and depression has been for nothing! How many times does a person have to say, "I need more of your love..." before they get any? Now for saying that...I feel totally selfish.

Stress levels rise, depression in sues, and I am on my way to being healthier?
Why do I get the feeling that moving away from home is going to be more painful for me then them? And why should it be...that makes no sense. The last time I moved away, I got calls (as in multiple) every day from mom, asking where I was going, how I was doing, how much she missed having me close because I kept her young. Holy shit that’s bull. I thought it was really true, I thought THEN that she was honestly in need of me...she is...but only to throw away her napkin rapped ham; or pick up the letter she can't reach! I claimed today that I was her slave, and she looked at me like that was an insult. Why am I so embittered about being a servant to these people - my family? Why do I shrink away from helping them so much? OH Yea! I remember...because I've been doing it my whole damn life!

I wish just once there would be some affection initiated by one of them with no strings attached. Just once I would like to hug my Dad and know for sure he isn't wishing I was mom. Just once I wish I could get on a one on one with mom and not feel like I'm the mother! Just once I would like to not hate my Grandpa J for being the jack ass he is. Just once I would like to know that my brother, my old friends and their people weren’t talking about me behind my back. Just once I wish my brother wasn't jealous of me. Just once I wish I would feel ok about knowing that Gram and Papa are my favorites - I can't help it...they love me unconditionally. Just once I wish that my best knowledge of truly measuring up didn't come from my English professors A- grade.

So today marks the start of a new period in my life - yippy...
There have been no magic wands or fire works, nor mountain top emotions.
I haven't even started working on myself yet, but the research and hope is all there. I'm scared. This will be the first time I actually take control of myself, the first time I let God do what He needs to in my life. I've never seen what's on the other side of the fear, so though I'm extremely excited, I’m also apprehensive too.

I stopped by the Health Store today to ask some questions; since I bought the book yesterday I haven't been able to leave it alone for more then an hour at the most. The last time I was physically healthy, everything else in my life fell apart.

Right now, I'm failing psych and just barely making it in eng 102. I don't have a clue what my problem is, I just can't for the life of me pick up my psyc book and read it. It's sitting right here next to me and going to pot on the table.

Back to the diet: I know this will be good for me despite all my reservations about it. The author of the Makers Diet, seems to be a bible believing chap, which has somewhat put me at ease for now. However, there are still a lot of questions I have about the authenticity of this author. He uses a lot from the OT and now so much from the NT, which made me wonder if he is not Jewish by faith. He doesn't really claim any religion for the sake of his business, and that I understand...kind of. Honestly, I would like to know more about him then his ploy for getting people to eat better. I'm sure all the info on his site is simply his marketing team attempting to making him the health industries next "Bill Gates."

Aside from the obvious retailer tricks, the book has some solid points and well expressed/researched info. I guess the saying is true of me then - all I really need is a little self-control. We shell see what events make my skin look beautiful...

15 Why do you protest your punishment— this wound that has no cure? I have had to punish you because your sins are many and your guilt is great.
16 “But all who devour you will be devoured, and all your enemies will be sent into exile. All who plunder you will be plundered, and all who attack you will be attacked. 17 I will give you back your health and heal your wounds,” says the Lord. “For you are called an outcast— ‘Jerusalem[a] for whom no one cares.’”
18 This is what the Lord says: “When I bring Israel home again from captivity and restore their fortunes, Jerusalem will be rebuilt on its ruins, and the palace reconstructed as before. 19 There will be joy and songs of thanksgiving, and I will multiply my people, not diminish them; I will honor them, not despise them. -Jer 30:15-19