Happy Birthday Looser.

Day Two:
I woke up and knew first thing something wasn't going to happen right today. All the sunshine beams coming through my window usually tip me off that God is watching and caring, and I didn't care. Everything hurts today. Everything seems really dark and painful. I got my period and am coming down off the Pill so naturally one wouldn't be feeling as well as they may have thought. I had to call into work and my boss sounded like she was surprised I was sick. I'm still not sure what to think of that woman, she is sweetly funny...

My mom is having a cow inside because it's my 22nd, and she hasn't come up with one blessed thing to do for my birthday. She feels guilty, and sorry...and as much as I've been saying to her for the past three days "that’s really ok, I don't mind," what I'm really thinking is -"holy shit what the hell is the matter with everyone?! I don't mean to be so dramatic, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless in this family! Yea I'm spoiled and precious and a "miracle" but holy wow why not show it on the one day that really matters!"
It just seems like everyone around me doesn't care, and I'm not sure why I feel that way. Granma J gave me the most beautiful card, and $50 smacks! I think I've grown a mature bone because I haven't blown it yet.

Why is it that every February, mom can make special trips, and special allowances in the "invisible budget" to make sure my uncle and brother and little cousins get their birthday wish?
Yea know what’s so stupid, I don't really care about getting gifts or money or even dinner...I just wanted a card, a letter...some words of encouragement to let me know that I'm supposed to be here...that I'm appreciated. The one time of year that they could really say something about me that would touch me and they make excuses and feel guilty instead. I feel like the last year of crying, and depression has been for nothing! How many times does a person have to say, "I need more of your love..." before they get any? Now for saying that...I feel totally selfish.

Stress levels rise, depression in sues, and I am on my way to being healthier?
Why do I get the feeling that moving away from home is going to be more painful for me then them? And why should it be...that makes no sense. The last time I moved away, I got calls (as in multiple) every day from mom, asking where I was going, how I was doing, how much she missed having me close because I kept her young. Holy shit that’s bull. I thought it was really true, I thought THEN that she was honestly in need of me...she is...but only to throw away her napkin rapped ham; or pick up the letter she can't reach! I claimed today that I was her slave, and she looked at me like that was an insult. Why am I so embittered about being a servant to these people - my family? Why do I shrink away from helping them so much? OH Yea! I remember...because I've been doing it my whole damn life!

I wish just once there would be some affection initiated by one of them with no strings attached. Just once I would like to hug my Dad and know for sure he isn't wishing I was mom. Just once I wish I could get on a one on one with mom and not feel like I'm the mother! Just once I would like to not hate my Grandpa J for being the jack ass he is. Just once I would like to know that my brother, my old friends and their people weren’t talking about me behind my back. Just once I wish my brother wasn't jealous of me. Just once I wish I would feel ok about knowing that Gram and Papa are my favorites - I can't help it...they love me unconditionally. Just once I wish that my best knowledge of truly measuring up didn't come from my English professors A- grade.